Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Gerbalism-The Way to Enlightenment

My frustration with "organized" religion has given me no choice but to establish a new religion. Hey, we haven't had a new one in over a week.

So Welcome to Gerbalism....just follow these steps to inner peace:

  • Accept that only through Gerbals (not hamsters) can you find inner peace and sanctuary
  • When in a pet store, ask to hold all the Gerbals held captive...then set them free one by one....this act of freeing Gerbals will guarantee you a place in aquarium heaven (lid not included)
  • Never eat meat at the buffet. You can survive on sunflower seeds and lettuce. Adding dressing will require you to confess your sins to a higher Gerbal
  • Keep a Gerbal in your home, free to run up and down the stairs all night long. Put the cat(s) out first, for murder of Gerbals is a sin that has no forgiveness
  • Pet the Gerbal before each meal and allow the Gerbal to bite you often. After all, true inner peace requires pain first.
  • Always clean up after your Gerbal. These tiny morsels are your way to enlightenment (wash hands before handling the Gerbal again)
  • Should your Gerbal enter into the Gates of Gerbalia, place the remains in an decorative jewelry box and tape securely before burying under the Apricot Tree. Always bury Gerbals under Apricot Trees. If you do not have an Apricot Tree, Home Depot has them on sale this week for $19.99


NewLiz said...

Form a Gerbil icon out of peanut butter and pumpkin seeds and worship at it daily. Ideally one should leave small bowls of cat innards as a sacrifice and to show true dedication to the Gerbil.
Lay on your back and try to find Gerbil shapes in the clouds. At each discovery leap up and proclaim, "Oh Holy Gerbil Your Praises I Sing".

Hidden Wizard said...

You have been officially ordained as a Gerbil High Priestess!

NewLiz said...

Thank you Wiz. I am honored. Do I get to run in the wheel now?

Hidden Wizard said...

All Night Long! I'll wear my ear plugs.

demon said...

can gerbils fly?

Gerbil Convert said...

Although I heartily approve of the general sentiment, I do not believe you have the credentials to be Gerbilist preacher, as you have consistently misspelled "Gerbil"!

BTW I'm a convert.