Saturday, August 20, 2005

How To Cut Grass in August-In Tennessee

Arrrggghhhh! High humidity along with mid-90 temperatures at 10AM is not the ideal setting for cutting grass in August...especially in Tennessee! After several years of working through various experiments (I am in a science and engineering town, after all), I believe I have perfected the task. Try to keep up with me. In my opinion, based on scientific experiments and much research, the following are the correct procedures for this crisis:


  1. Ice down your beer the night before the task begins. I personally prefer Molson's, but have taken a liking to Coors (not Coors Lite) lately.
  2. Make sure you have ample quantities of your choice of beer, but by all means it MUST be bottled. Enough of the canned just ain't right.
  3. Make sure you have plenty of gas for the lawn mower. There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for running out of gas before you finish the job. The other issue that could arise from this lack of planning it that you will have to ask your spouse to run to the gas station and get more gas (reference the liquid refreshments above and the guys in cars with flashing lights...just don't do it). This request will likely be met with significant repercussions which may (not) be played out in the bedroom (sorry, Pastor). Better to be prepared. While you're checking, look at your oil inventory.
  4. Check your ice supply in the freezer. Those ice makers tend to overflow and then stop producing. You will likely use the entire amount of produced ice and this could also come back to haunt you (RE: #3).
  5. Make sure your favorite large plastic cup is clean and hasn't been used for dipping cat food or dog food. There is nothing more frustrating than to have to use a cup that will only partially satisfy your thirst on the day of the project. It's a pain to have to go inside for additional water and having to take off your shoes each time so as to NOT track in grass clippings in the house (RE: #3).

The Project

  1. Wake up early. You need to inspect the grass for moisture. This can cause clogging of the mower and is extremely frustrating. Lack of planning COULD result in a project that takes twice as long and could delay or postpone any plans made by your spouse (RE: #3 in Preparation).
  2. Clear the lawn of any obstacles that could force you to turn off the mower to remove (RE: #1 in Project; #3 in Preparation). These items could be toys, sprinklers, passed-out teenagers from the Friday night before, beer cans from those teenagers passing by on the way home from the Friday night before, leftover carcasses of critter wars, etc.
  3. Drink two full cups of ice-water before beginning the project. This may force a trip to the bathroom but your body will appreciate it about 1/4 of the way through the project. IGNORE THE BEER THAT IS ICED DOWN (for now, anyway).
  4. Gentlemen, START YOUR MOWERS!
  5. About an hour into the project, take a break. These are union rules and you MUST abide by this. Replenish your body with additional ice-water, but you may want to look at the iced down beer....this if actually refreshing. Take your shoes off and go inside for additional refreshments (e.g. air-conditioning).
  6. Gentlemen, RESTART YOUR MOWERS!
  7. Upon completion, replenish your body with two cups of ice water and place your hand in the container housing the iced-down beer. Leave the beer in the container (for now, anyway).
  8. After 30 minutes has passed, return to the container housing the iced-down beer and chug-a-lug. Limit yourself to only one beer at this point.
  9. Begin washing the mower for storage. You may, at this point, be in need of a 2nd beer. This acceptable and is actually required (Union Rules again).
  10. Place mower in the approved storage facility. Neglecting to do so may result in unnecessary grief (RE: #3, Preparation).
  11. Replenish your body with all the protein necessary to function (key word is "function"-RE: #3, Preparation).
  12. Remove all clothing prior to entering the house. Be discreet...this could cause serious repercussions (RE: #3, Preparation).
  13. Properly place all wet (usually with sweat) clothing near the washing machine. Should you NOT have a washing machine in your house, burn all clothing using any leftover gasoline.
  14. Shave. You know you didn't shave on Saturday morning, so this is essential, prior to showering. Neglecting to do so WILL result in severe repercussions (RE: #3, Preparation).
  15. Shower. Make sure every inch of your body has been covered in a soapy lather. Don't forget to shampoo what little hair you have left (RE: #3, Preparation).
  16. Dry off and put on clean (this is REALLY important) clothes. (RE: #3, Preparation).
  17. Return to your spouse and ask if there is anything she needs you to do for her. Neglecting to do so WILL result in severe repercussions (RE: #3, Preparation).
  18. Next Thursday or Friday, begin again. Neglecting to do so WILL result in severe Repurcussions (RE: #3, Preparation).

My intention is to formally present this paper to the Congressional Committee on Husbands on August 31st, for submittal to the Budget Committee. Should you have additional proposals, please submit to me, in the form of "comments" so that I can include them in my proposal. The Budget is scheduled to be presented to the full House on September 15th.


Friend of His said...

Plan B: Put beer in cooler the night before. Hire a yard man. Drink beer inside air conditioned home while you watch yard man sweat! Enjoy rewards of a clean yard later.

the nonmower man said...

Plan C: Do not mow in August. Nary a blade did I cut this August. Not out any cash for the yard man, my grass is healthier, Saturday mornings spent riding my motorcycle and all of my friends that fall a little behind in their mowing can say to their wives- yeah, it's a little tall but it's not THAT bad!