Thursday, September 01, 2005

How to Survive During the Coming Energy Crisis

Here's some handy-dandy tips on how to cope with the coming energy crisis...wait, it's already here!

  1. Take a shower with your spouse, or whoever you're shacking up with. This saves on the costs associated with heating the water and saves on water as well.
  2. Turn off your air conditioners! Open all windows and drink that surplus beer you've been hiding for the lawn cutting project on Saturday.
  3. Sleep naked. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with this idea, crisis or not. Unless, of course, you own a cat and YOU are a male. Cats like to play with balls at night.
  4. Walk your dogs at night, when it is cooler. You are also hidden from view from the neighbors whose yards your dogs like to poop don't have to carry around that silly WalMart bag at midnight!
  5. Cut down on your coffee intake...this saves on electricity. Substitute your pre-work morning beverage with beer (See #2).
  6. Sell that damn SUV and mini-van, dumb-ass! Buy a pickup and haul your co-workers to their cubicle. Stay in the right lane (See #5)
  7. Buy a motorcycle but don't tell your wife....NEVER tell your wife you own a motorcycle...never.....
  8. Stop cooking at home and eat at fast food restaurants. That will cause those cesspools to use more fuel and HOPEFULLY force them out of business.
  9. Quit driving to see your doctor....drink beer instead! It has all the major food groups...this is undocumented, of course.
  10. Spend your evenings in WalMart. They LOVE the crowds and you'll be using their air-conditioning. Only buy beer and Peanut M&Ms, since this is what you'll be living on for the coming months. Wait for the cases that fall off those pallet left in the middle of the know the ones that block your ability to move their oversized shopping carts through the "short-cuts".
  11. Stop ironing your clothes in the morning, before going to work. Your boss will hate you for this and ask that you work from home. That puts you closer to that beer in the cooler. Trust me, you'll be so much more productive listening to Pink Floyd and drinking Molson's.
  12. Join a left-wing environmentalist group for support. They can show you the way to Mother Earth News. And they like beer. Lots of beer. Plenty of beer. Allow them to meet in your home and have them provide those liquid refreshments.
  13. Quit reading the newspaper! It's only bad news and will depress you even more. Plus, you have to put down your beer to turn the page. That is a TRUE waste of energy!
  14. Learn to play the guitar. Once you're good enough..and by today's standards you only need to know 3 chords (G-C-D) you can play in a bar at night. And bars have beer!
  15. Take away the gas credit cards you gave to your college-aged kids. They have no idea what is going on, outside of their campus, and see nothing wrong in driving a thousand miles to a party. The bill comes to YOUR home....remember?
  16. And in the words of John Prine...."Blow up your t.v. throw away your paper...Go to the country, build you a home....Plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches...Try an find Jesus on your own."


Anonymous said...

Does buying a 60" widescreen count as blowing up your TV?

Hidden Wizard said... have to blow up the 60" and buy a 78".