A year has passed since my brother died.
I recall being at work and having a strong urge to call another brother....I knew he was there and something was telling me to make that call. When he answered the phone all he said was "Mark's gone". It was a moment I knew was coming and a moment I thought I was prepared for. Once again, I was wrong.
My brothers and I all played a role in the performance called a funeral.....a horrible ritual we humans have developed to mourn the dead. I hate funerals. Hundreds of people gathering to tell you all about the one that has just left this world. They laugh, smile, joke and sometimes cry. I suppose there is some healing in this practice but there has to be a better way.
Over the past year I experienced many phases of various emotions, most of which could likely be diagnosed as depression. That depression has not ended. I went through a similar phase when my Dad died, but nothing compared to this. I suspect knowing my father was older made it easier to manage. Having a younger brother taken made no sense. It still doesn't.
I argued and challenged God. I lost. She was not impressed with my attitude nor was I with her's. I suppose I have walked away from religion.....it's not the first time. I go through the usual Sunday routine, but there is nothing there. Perhaps I have built my own wall to block out those talks of a loving God. I just don't know.
The year has taken its toll on me and I in turn took it out those who care for me. I cannot take back those hateful words I issued to lash out at those who were truly concerned. I can only hope forgiveness is word that can, in time, be offered to me. But I do not deserve or expect that to come.
My life has changed over the past year. I cannot honestly say it has changed in a positive manner. I have allowed my anger to fester to the point that I no longer like who I am. I no longer know what I stand for or where I'm heading. It has been a tough path I have chosen....rocky steps all along the way. But rocks, in time, turn to sand and the path becomes easier to manage.....I long for an easier trail and a lighter load.
Mark, I wish you could know the effect your passing has had on me. Maybe you are reading these words and already know. Maybe you are writing these words through my fingers. There are many regrets I have mustered up since you left. Most of which have to do with not visiting with you and Tami often enough. You had the courage to set out and do what made you happy. Writing stories and music that somehow explained who you were and where you came from. I admire you for that. Our younger brother started a blog before me and possibly inspired me to do the same. But it was YOU that convinced me to put my thoughts into words, stories and songs. Sadly, you won't see these words or hear these songs.
I miss you Brother.....Fly On, Freebird!
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